Great Throughts Treasury

"There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death... Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior."

"Polite conversation is rarely either."

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "

"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. "

"If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

"I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit. "

"The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "

"A salad is not a meal. It is a style."

"All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write."

"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you are leaking."

"Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke."

"Andy Warhol made fame more famous."

"Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football."

"Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house"

"As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."

"Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel"

"Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs."

"Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing."

"Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make over-sleeping a virtue."

"Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq."

"Cheese that is required by law to append the word food to its title does not go well with red wine or fruit."

"Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are, however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party."

"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."

"Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?""

"Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."

"Contrary to what many of you might imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks—chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write."

"Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure."

"Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams."

"Cold soup is a very tricky thing and it is the rare hostess who can carry it off. More often than not the dinner guest is left with the impression that had he only come a little earlier he could have gotten it while it was still hot."

"Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully."

"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth."

"Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do."

"Do not have your child's hair cut by a real hairdresser in a real hairdressing salon. He is, at this point, far too short to be exposed to contempt."

"Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching."

"Favorite animal: steak."

"Do what you can, with what you have, with where you are."

"Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky."

"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens."

"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."

"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian."

"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."

"I am not personally a parent. But I do have two godchildren and am expecting a third. I am naturally concerned for their future. If I ruled the world you could bet your boots that none of them would ever set their eyes on any such contraptions as digital clocks and pocket calculators. But alas, I do not rule the world and that, I am afraid, is the story of my life - always a godmother, never a God."

"Having been unpopular in high school is not a just cause for book publication"

"I am not the type of person who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to get back to the hotel."

"I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere."

"I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once."

"I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not."

"I don't like to read nonfiction. To me, fact is something I can look up."

"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not."